just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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