I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
