i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
