shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
