he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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