She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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