Who wears a wallet chain?!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
