he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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