once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
