Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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