Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
