For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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