someone threw a dead crab at me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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