he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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