im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
