so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
