He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
