I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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