i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
