Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
