I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
