Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
