I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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