just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
