trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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