wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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