I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize