Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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