i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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