So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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