Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
