How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
