i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
