This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
