It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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