eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
