bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
