WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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