I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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