Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
