i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
