Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
