Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
