my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
