I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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