First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
