I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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