I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
