Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
