I'm going to jail i love you
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
