I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
