I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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