it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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