that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
