marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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