One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
