i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
