you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
