I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
